So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
