Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
