my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
