It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
