i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
