My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
