Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
