What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
