omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
