If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
