How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize