They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
