were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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