Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
