i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
