I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
