dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
