yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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