holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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