I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
