do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
