She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
