Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
