i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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