sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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