Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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