i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
