My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
