I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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