Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
