there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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