she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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