I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
