All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
