I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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