The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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