Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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