I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
