you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
