At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
