2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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