Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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