Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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