I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
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His hands were made for my vagina.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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