I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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