So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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