i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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