a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
