why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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