Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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