Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
