I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
